Many
couples prepare diligently for their upcoming birth by attending childbirth
classes, reading good books, practicing coping measures and facilitating an
open dialogue about their hopes, fears and ideals for their birth. Especially
when the couple has a healthy loving relationship and the partner is enthusiastic
and involved with the pregnancy, the pregnant woman likely asks, "Doesn't
it seem redundant to hire a doula when I already have an amazing labor
partner?" Likewise, the partner
might be concerned that a doula will replace him; the husband thinks that if his wife expresses a
desire for an additional labor partner, that his role is diminished, or worse,
that he is not a sufficient source of strength for her. Let me just clarify one
thing: a doula cannot replace the husband, for that is impossible. To even
consider that one is interchangeable for the other is unthinkable.
A doula is like a coach, she cannot do the work of the mother and father, but she can remind them of their game plan, help make changes mid-game, support them over difficulties and celebrate the couple's hard work afterward. Often, couples who are pregnant with their second or subsequent child seek out the support of a doula. Why? Because, they understand the difficult task before them and--possibly because of disappointment, complications or experience--hope to expand their birth team with a person who is focused solely on assisting them with no other obligations. They no longer hold onto a some-what innocent and romantic ideal that, "We don't need anyone, we can do it alone". Unfortunately, come delivery-time this pressure often overwhelms the partner who is distressed at seeing the reality of labor and at that point, the mother is vulnerable, susceptible and might choose against her ideal desires to alleviate the discomfort she faces. Not always, but often first-time parents need more support than those who have delivered before.
It's easy to consider this in other aspects of life, especially athletics, which lends itself so well as an analogy. Few people set out to run a marathon, complete a rigorous exercise routine (like Insanity or P90X) or excel in professional sports without a team of people around them for support. It's far easier to exercise with intention, even with a video coach than it is to try and figure out a routine by yourself. Even if you have a great partner who is exercising with you, it is just natural to consult online research, buy equipment and possibly hire a digital nutritionist or a device (like a scale, Fitbit or Jawbone) that will help you achieve your goals. It's no different in labor: in preparing for the monumental task of birth, you buy equipment, you read the newest research, you hire a care provider to make sure you are more likely to deliver safely, you drill through practice of visualization and relaxation, you decide who is going to be on your birth team (a mother? a friend? Facebook? other children? a midwife? your OB or another? an anesthesiologist? your doula!) and ultimately you train -to the best of your ability- to deliver to the best of your ability. Now, who wouldn't want their own personal cheering squad that not only had enthusiasm, but also lots of knowledge and care for just you, your partner and your baby?
A doula is like a coach, she cannot do the work of the mother and father, but she can remind them of their game plan, help make changes mid-game, support them over difficulties and celebrate the couple's hard work afterward. Often, couples who are pregnant with their second or subsequent child seek out the support of a doula. Why? Because, they understand the difficult task before them and--possibly because of disappointment, complications or experience--hope to expand their birth team with a person who is focused solely on assisting them with no other obligations. They no longer hold onto a some-what innocent and romantic ideal that, "We don't need anyone, we can do it alone". Unfortunately, come delivery-time this pressure often overwhelms the partner who is distressed at seeing the reality of labor and at that point, the mother is vulnerable, susceptible and might choose against her ideal desires to alleviate the discomfort she faces. Not always, but often first-time parents need more support than those who have delivered before.
It's easy to consider this in other aspects of life, especially athletics, which lends itself so well as an analogy. Few people set out to run a marathon, complete a rigorous exercise routine (like Insanity or P90X) or excel in professional sports without a team of people around them for support. It's far easier to exercise with intention, even with a video coach than it is to try and figure out a routine by yourself. Even if you have a great partner who is exercising with you, it is just natural to consult online research, buy equipment and possibly hire a digital nutritionist or a device (like a scale, Fitbit or Jawbone) that will help you achieve your goals. It's no different in labor: in preparing for the monumental task of birth, you buy equipment, you read the newest research, you hire a care provider to make sure you are more likely to deliver safely, you drill through practice of visualization and relaxation, you decide who is going to be on your birth team (a mother? a friend? Facebook? other children? a midwife? your OB or another? an anesthesiologist? your doula!) and ultimately you train -to the best of your ability- to deliver to the best of your ability. Now, who wouldn't want their own personal cheering squad that not only had enthusiasm, but also lots of knowledge and care for just you, your partner and your baby?
In
this article, Penny Simkin does a great job in addressing this very concern in
hopes of disarming misconceptions about the role of doula in relation to Dada;
enjoy!
The Doula and the Partner:
How They Work Together
to Help the Birthing Woman by
Penny Simkin
When
a doula discusses her role with women or couples, she may feel a little uneasy
when asked exactly what she has to offer. She may find it difficult to give an
answer that reflects her usefulness without seeming that she is bragging. The
most common question regarding doula care for birthing couples: what about the
woman's husband/partner/loved one? There are many valid concerns often raised
by couples considering doula care for childbirth. For example:
1. Partners
who have taken childbirth classes may wonder, "Why bother with a
doula?" The classes theoretically prepare the father or loved one for that
role, and it appears that a doula is redundant.
2. The doula might
interfere with the couple's intimate experience, since she is nearly a stranger
to them.
3. The doula
may try to make the woman have the kind of birth the doula wants, not what the
woman and her partner want.
Some
couples worry that the partner will be pushed out, that the doula will assume
that she can do the job better and will relegate the partner to a minor role.
On the other hand, some women worry that their partners will not be able to
help very much, but are hesitant to suggest a doula for fear of hurting the
partner's feelings. And some partners want help, but they feel insecure about
their ability to meet all of their wife's or loved one's needs. Here I
will discuss some of the myths or concerns about doulas, along with the
realities. They may clarify how a doula works with a woman's partner.
Myth
#1: If a woman has her partner, the doula becomes redundant.
Reality: The doula
may be the only person at the labor beside the partner who is there solely for
the emotional well-being of the woman. The nurse, the doctor, the midwife have
other priorities that compete with the emotional care of the woman; for
example, breaks, shift changes, clinical responsibilities, office hours and
hospital policies. The doula has few or no other priorities. She stays through
shift changes, and until after the baby is born. She is not just another
stranger with the couple. She has the woman's needs as her sole priority. In
some cases, the couple will bring several other friends or family members into
labor with them. Sometimes these people can be uncertain of how to help, which
leads to confusion and actually adds to the woman's stress. The doula can
direct and coordinate the efforts of a group of people, giving them all
something useful to do, so they work as a team on the woman's behalf.
Myth
#2: The doula "takes over," displacing the partner and interferes
with their intimate experience.
Reality: The doula can actually bring the
couple closer. By making sure that the partner’s needs are met (food, drink,
occasional back rubs, and reassurance), the woman and partner can work more
closely together. The doula allows for the partner to participate at his or her
comfort level. Some partners prefer to be there only to witness the birth of
their child and to share this experience with the woman they love. They may not
want to play an active role and do not want to be responsible for the woman's
comfort and emotional security. The doula can fill in and allow the partner to
participate as he or she wishes, without leaving the woman's needs unmet. When
the partner chooses to be the major source of emotional support, the doula can
supplement his or her efforts by running errands, making suggestions for
comfort measures, and offering words of reassurance, and comfort. During a long
tiring labor, she can give the partner a break for a brief rest or change of
scene. For the partner who is shy, uncertain, or unversed in his or her role,
the doula suggests simple but truly useful tasks, such as timing contractions,
holding the woman, supporting her in a particular position, massaging her. In
such situations, the doula might take the lead, but the partner plays an
important secondary role. While the doula probably knows more than the partner
about birth, hospitals and maternity care, the partner knows more about the
woman's personality, likes and dislikes, and needs. Moreover, he or she loves
the woman more than anyone else there. The combined contributions of partner
and doula, along with a competent, considerate and caring staff give the woman
the best chance of an optimal outcome.
Myth
#3: The doula has her own beliefs about how the birth should go, and imposes it
on the woman or couple.
Reality: The doula's true agenda is to help ensure that
the woman's or couple's agenda (their birth plan) is acknowledged and followed
as much as possible. If the doula is thoroughly familiar with the couple's
wishes and their birth plan, she may actually think more about it than the
couple, especially when labor is intense and things are happening rapidly. The
doula can remind the staff or the couple of some items on the birth plan that
are forgotten, but which later might be important. Sometimes if a birth plan is
not followed, the couple later look back with regret or disappointment. The
doula helps with decision-making by asking questions that will ensure that the
right information is given to the woman or couple so that they can make an
informed decision. She may also suggest alternatives (like waiting awhile) for
the couple to consider. She does not, however, make decisions for the couple.
In
summary, the doula helps make the birth experience to be as rewarding and
satisfying as possible. As one father said, "I heaved a big sigh of relief
when she (the doula) walked in. I hadn't realized how much pressure I had been
feeling. She not only calmed my wife, she calmed me down."
